The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
