i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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