if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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