Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
