I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
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