Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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