One girl and one boy is just not enough.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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