he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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