Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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