Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
why is half of my head shaved?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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