I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
