After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
