Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you traded sex for a burrito?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
