Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
