she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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