I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
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