Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I have feelings that need drinking.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
