It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
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