I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
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