Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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