I am in a vortex of obligation.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Let's get the cat blown out
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
