haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
