there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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