tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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