my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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