My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
