I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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