It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Send help, water and tortillas.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
