I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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