at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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