My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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