I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize