I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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