it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
