I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
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Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
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I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
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