On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
