Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
