There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
