yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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