My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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