the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
