I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Sorry my hands just texted you
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
