hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize