She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
