Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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