Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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