my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
this hospital has no fireball
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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