I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
