I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
