I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
