I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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