Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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