Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
it was like having sex with a tree stump
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
