Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
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