I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
