Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
