So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
