i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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